Eliot's kitchen, Wednesday morning

[vdistinctive]

Eliot had slept in.

He was having a quiet morning, a sort of quiet he hadn't had much of since he'd started spending most nights in bed with Parker and Hardison. He closed his eyes before stepping into the kitchen, feeling the morning sun on his face and just breathing in the peace of the moment.

Now. What to make for breakfast?

He grumbled faintly under his breath when he opened the fridge and found the entire thing filled only with orange soda. He could have sworn he had eggs and bacon. Or at least a six pack of beer. "Dammit, Hardison."

He tried the cabinets, figuring he could at least make himself some oatmeal, and had to dodge an avalanche of fortune cookies, only to find that all his dry goods had been replaced with sugary breakfast cereals. "Dammit, Parker."

He had not anticipated this side of cohabitation. He probably should have.

Val ran up to him, barking excitedly. She bounced up on her hind legs and did a little doggy pirouette like a circus dog, then ran over to the back door, beaming at him over her shoulder.

"Yeah yeah." Eliot followed after her. "Keep your damn pants on."

[ooc: for one. NFB, please, for reasons which will become clear]

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[vdistinctive]

Eliot peered at Hardison sideways again. "And which part of your copin' mechanisms am I s'posed to be usin', then?"

The part where he focused on being afraid of the sphinx instead of dealing with the hell versions of the three of them, perhaps? Or maybe the bit where he threw himself full-force into a project he hadn't managed to crack in over six months, to avoid thinking about the same thing?

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"Yo, if all my copin' mechanisms were perfect, I probably wouldn't be a thief," Hardison admitted. "Ain't none of us perfect specimens of functionality, you notice." He paused, and then said in a quiet voice. "But I know copin' ain't the same as processin'. They just keep me goin' till I can process stuff."

[vdistinctive]

"And you are?" Eliot checked. The two of them had been pretty steadfastly not talking about anything with each other, and even knowing Hardison as well as he did, Eliot couldn't tell everything just by watching. "Copin', I mean?"

[geniuswithasmartphone]

There was a long silence and then, "Copin'? Yeah. More'n that? I dunno." More silence, the kind where Eliot could almost hear Hardison's thoughts turning over in his head. "I keep gettin' hung up on how useless I was. How helpless."

More silence. And then finally.

"I never thought I'd see of version of you that could kill a version of me. I know that wasn't me, that it was for the best, that he was barely you. But still. I never thought I'd see it."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot's expression didn't change, but he couldn't stop the small shudder that ran through him at the memory.

"You weren't useless," he said softly. "You did more back there than I did."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

Even in the dark, Hardison's 'the hell are you talking about?' look was loud and clear.

[vdistinctive]

Eliot rubbed his eyes. "Don't give me that look. You don't have to pretend I didn't fuck up."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"You paused for like two seconds," Hardison told him. "I hid in the diner an' let you fight a damn sphinx."

[vdistinctive]

"Paused --" Eliot stared at him. "Protectin' you two is my job, but I still let you go runnin' in, even after I stabbed you and I --"

Oh. He'd just referred to the other Eliot as "I", hadn't he.

Shit.

[geniuswithasmartphone]

Yup. Yup he sure did.

"You ain't stabbed no one." In that particular instance. "Some other guy did. That guy might have been you at one time? But you were never him."

[vdistinctive]

"And I didn't do anything!" It came out strangled, as Eliot ruthlessly held it back from being a bellow. Bad enough one of his partners was seeing him like this. The longer he could let Parker sleep the better. "You two were in trouble and I didn't even move."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"An' I'm a damn genius an' couldn't think of a single thing to do to fix this," Hardison returned. "I managed to get in trouble a buncha times an' then held a dude while he died."

[vdistinctive]

"That's not -- you can't hack a hobo." To use a twist on one of Hardison's own phrases. "What the hell good is a hitter who freezes up when things get nasty?"

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"Actually, people are the easiest to hack after computers," Hardison said. "Just ask Sophie."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot let out a frustrated sigh through his nose and rolled towards the edge of the bed. Maybe he should just go for a run.

[geniuswithasmartphone]

Hardison reached out and put his hand on Eliot's arm, warm and soft. "Hey," he said. "Don't go. I mean, unless you need to." He understood Eliot's need to shut off his brain sometimes. He just did it with lines of code rather than physical exertion. "You're hurtin', I get it. We all are. But it's better when you're here than when you ain't."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot had made it to sitting and stopped, rubbing both his hands over his face. "You ain't -- listening. I'm not tryin' to have a pity fest here. I'm tryin' to tell you I screwed up."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"Naw, man, I know that's what you're sayin'," Hardison said. "I just don't agree that the only thing you're good for is bein' our hitter." He sighed, rubbing comforting circles on his back. "I know you hesitated. I know that you feel guilty for everythin' that happened--for what Parker had to do. But we don't blame you for that anymore'n you blame me for not figurin' out a way to reach anyone or Parker for not mastermindin' a way out."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot would give almost anything not to have this conversation. To just accept Hardison's reassurance and let it go.

But if a member of the team was slipping, the rest of them deserved to know.

"I didn't hesitate," he said, more to his lap than to Hardison. "I don't -- know what Parker did. I can put it together but -- I blacked out."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

Well. This was new.

"Blacked out?" Hardison asked. "What do you mean. Like...you disassociated for a few seconds there? Some kinda fugue thing?"

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded miserably. "I remember you -- the other you -- on my feet and then -- it was over. They were all dead."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

Hardison let out a long breath. "You talk to anyone 'bout this yet?" he asked, still keeping up the slow, even circles. "This ain't somethin' small, Eliot. But it doesn't mean the end of everythin', either."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded, his back slowly relaxing under Hardison's ministrations. "I called Sophie. You know, right after when I really wasn't sleepin'. I know she's not really a professional but -- she helped."

[geniuswithasmartphone]

"'Course she did," Hardison said. "She's Sophie." And Sophie wasn't Nate, who probably would have tried to hypnotize Eliot into getting better or something ridiculous.

"But it's still eatin' at you."

[vdistinctive]

"Of course it is." Eliot finally looked back at Hardison. "How could it not?"

He didn't get into how the scene he'd come back to himself to had completely undermined most of his coping mechanisms. He hadn't mentioned that part to Sophie, either. That was the trouble with Fandom. It was all too surreal to properly logic yourself out of.